still searching

Month 3, the audit field has increase tremendously. 

Technically speaking, I’ll be on 7 out of 8 assignments throughout September and October.

 In one way, I’m happy because it is actually a good chance for me to learn. 

But in another way, i feel like i’m lying to myself. 

The more i’m exposed to this field, the more i feel loss. Lost in a way that i don’t know what i’m doing. I’m like a blindfolded man, searching for myself in the middle of a crowded place (in my case, i’m searching for myself in a middle of audit fieldwork). 

I still cant geddit how they work their way around here. And each time i’m out for fieldwork, i’ll unintentionally, make comparison with my previous love-hate experience as associate auditor way back in last year.

They are indeed friendly and helpful but within times, i feel like i just cant fit in. And i know that i’m still learning and is still not doing a very good job, but this time around, i just feel like there’s a hole in every things that i done.

And it is of course not fair for the company to have me here. It’s also not fair to myself as i push myself to love this job and to have passion in it. Love and passion is not something that u can simply take and throw it to things. It is magically appeared in your heart and u should be able to feel it, to endure it.

Then again, i told myself maybe this time around, it will take extra time to develop this kind of feeling. Anyway, as at today, i just sincerely feel lost, guilty for staying and angry to myself.

I hope by the end of my contract, i can pull every missing piece together and will know what exactly that i’m looking for. As for now, hope that anyone reading this; please pray for my job satisfaction.

Dear Lord, if this is indeed the best thing that should happen to me, than, let the missing pieces pull together and give me strength to face any circumstances that might occur in between. But, if it is just a test in searching for myself, then, blessed me with your guidance to get thru with it.

p/s: That person is still missing in action. If he indeed not going to be the best thing that ever happen to me, then, just increase the distance between us. I cant afford to hoping and assuming and letting my heart break into thousand pieces again. Why he ever come if he knew best that he’ll not stay?