how can i explain??

if only i knew sooner. if only those word were not from my own mouth.if only i'm not so curious about things..

but what matter more is

be a good actress. 

smile always even if the truth hurts big time.

i hope with my "slow talk" thingy, he'll knows me better. but turn out he said i'm a negative thinker. 

           the most hurtful truth is- i've thought wrong all the way until now. i thought that we were bestfriend. BFF ever. he's the most trusted guy friend that i've ever met before. i admit it that along the way thru this past 6 years, i've met various kind of people. i've befriend with a lot of guys (dont get me wrong.definition of a lot doesnt mean 100s of them. in my case, in my life a lot means more than 10).but the most pleasant person to talk with would be this one particular guy. regardless how many weeks i've never talk to him, each time i call him, i found a comfort to pour all my problems. the bad thing is i've never cared about his.i've always thought that he's my bestfriend. i even share with him most of the things happened to me. but time has grew us apart. time has make things more awkward than before. and it's me to be blame. i'm so busy with my life here in shah alam i dont take a break and get to know him all over again. nevertheless, i always and keep reminding myself that we were bestfriend.

                 itu yang agaknya, as a BFF i thought i have the right to know everything bout him. i thought i can demand to exercise my right whenever i want it. 

and when i feel that he's been acting differently and i've been having this 6th sense things mcm perasaan bergelodak dalam hati seolah2 dia ada main sembunyi2 something, i jadi emotionally touch. rasa mcm nak gi main flying fox takpun nak bungee jumping tak hingat dunia punya jerit. i think i have the right to know. and if he consider me as his bff also, he shudnt be keeping things from me. dan paling kelakar, reason touching adalah sangat simple and merepek. huh! tapayah mention. malu.

tapi rupa2nya, time mmg da grew us apart, but time also have makes me forget, i've never been in his side all this time, why shud i claim him as my bff lagi?? da expired nok. dan sebenarnya dia tak rasa pun ak ni bff ni. dia rasa kawan biasa. kawan yg baik. that's why dia tak rasa perlu nak be 100% transparent dengan ak. and mmg tak patut pun ak buat dia mcm tu.T___T

mengada sangat saya.

da ingatkan diri jangan lebih2, tapi bila call semalam, until the 3rd statement or questions tak ingat, terus nangis. mulanya nak cite pasal tension study. nak cite tu je.sumpah tadee lain selain mencurahkan gelora hati. 

tapi tula, lidah tak bertulang lancar bercakap yg awak ni adalah one of my problem. yg membuat sy serabut.huahuaua...mmg terbaik mulut laser ko ida. 

so, bercakap dan bercakap sampai hujan dari lebat jadi rintik2, sampai bateri dari full bar jadi flat habis..sampai kredit rm9 hbs terus dalam masa 1 1/2 jam.

6 tahun lepas ida, tak sama macam sekarang. dulu kau hingusan first time berkawan dgn lelaki. sekarang lain....

most of the time dia byk gelak. gelak sebab nak kurang kan stress keadaan katonyo. tapi ak sentap nye jugak sbb ak rasa dia ni not listen enough to me. and after all the tears and the laughter, after all the times spent to makes things straight, ak da faham what happened. tapi taknak ulas lanjut sebab taknak benda jadi panjang. so, ak buat benda yg ak patut buat dari awal- berdiam diri....bila ujan benti, before we stop the conversation, dia tanya ak ok tak...

yup2, saya okkk....

sumpah...ok

saya tadee masalah pape da. saya da bgtau ape saya rasa and awak da bgtau ape kenapa awak buat mcm ni mcm tu..so, saya da ok

tapi dia tak caya..

ak tak salahkan dia..hahaha...ak ni kan susah diramal...=P

tetiba, hp off...bateri flat. flat zero habis tabley try nak restart balik.

so, dengan rintik2 hujan, ak redah balik rmh dengan ain. 

ain teringin nak makan sushi kat jj. 

layankan aje, ak pun bawak. hp tinggal rmh charging.

otw ke jj hujan lebat. tapi belum gile2 lagi. 

sampai jj, round2 beli sushi bagai, keluar balik tengok hujan still lebat....

T___T

ain suggest ktorg lepak dlu...dia pun makan sushi dekat kerusi yg berdepan dgn triumph. hahaha...makan sampai habis...

kuar ujan lagi...kepala pusing, perut lapar...

"babe, jom jela redah. ak tak kisah da...ak nak balik lapar, nak rest2"

balik, terus meluru ke dapur konon mcm tak makan 10 hari..tengah nak makan, tengok hp da fully charge. ada 2 msg.

hmmm...

msg yg sentap plak tu. 

org da ok, dia plak touching...tak best..

plak tu dia ingat ak touching that's why off hp (perangai burok =P)

pastu sampai 7 plak msg pujuk. hari ni 2 lagi. 

NO REPLY...

mak sentap nokkss...

tula kau ida, berjimba di jj tak ingat org.

semua salah kau.

from the very beginning until now

bila dia tak reply, ak bukan sentap ke ape. ak faham dia maybe touching [hmm, tula tadi gelak2 bagai ingatkan tak touching =( ] tapi, ak jadi rasa bersalah. pentingkan diri sangat sampai suka2 hati nak luahkan perasaan bagai. pastu konon nak claim my right. claim ur right la sangat, tengok ape da jadi?? member da merajok, tatau to what extent dia akan buat. 

dulu, dia merajok dengan ak setahun, ak tak pernah benti cari dia

kali ni, dia merajok ak tak kuat nak cari lagi...

sebab ak bukan bff...

tak layak rasanya. lemah longlai bila nak cari. tapi bila tgk inbox kosong tak reply satu ape pun, lagi rasa nak maki diri sendiri..

saya ok la...serius...

tapayah la merajok...

kata suka pkr positif

jgn la benti pkr positif...

ignore je ape yg sy cakap...

sy kan budak2 mengada..

dia tak ingat dia penah merajok dengan ak, dia tak ingat sebab merajok, dia tak ingat first picture dia bagi (fyi, masa tu friendster adalah makhluk asing. fb apetah lagi..mmg communication via pos malaysia..huhu), dia tak ingat present ape ak bagi, dia tak ingat ape dia pernah cakap...it's a heartbreaking sbb i remember even not every detail tapi most of it.

dpd 1 1/2 jam berdebat sana sini;

1) dia consider ak kwn biasa..sentap tapi ak faham kenapa

2) dia ada sebab tanak cite....sentap tapi ak boleh terima

3)dia lupa byk perkara...sentap tapi ak rela

4) dia cakap ak suka pkr negatif...sentap tapi mmg betul. da terlintas di hati, terpikir, hati da bergelora. cuma ak je tak pandai simpan =(

5) dia ingat dia punca segalanya...sentap dan makin sentap bila sampai la ni tak msg kata ok..tipu jela ckp ok.ak tak kan cuba korek2 lagi da whether ko ckp benar ke tak. da tak da. tak perlu. 

ak da ok, da boleh terima tapi end up dia marah. keadaan tak best da. jadi makin serba salah sebab terus terang. serba salah sbb bersikap keanak anakkan. 

tiba2 hidup rasa kosong semula...

kosong bukan macam masa dia merajok selama setahun dulu..

kosong as if dia mmg nak tinggalkan ak.

takpela, do what u're happy at. tanak kawan ckp terus terang. 

penat melayan perasaan.

patut gi kaunseling perasaan ni..adehhh...

saya da ok la...cuma jangan diam. jangan merajok..buat la ape pun awak nak as long as saya tau awak ada ok. hilang2 ni tak best. majok2 ni bukan sikap lelaki..huahuahua...

pening org kalo baca post ak. yup, i know i'm bad at explaining things...bajet org baca kan. haha..okbai =)