Bubbye stress

oh, i've give the farewell long ago 

but u never really go

always here now and then...

kicking my ass, making me stress...

how should i define this feeling

when u keep on intruding? 

how can i cool myself down

when the least thing is u that come around?

Bubbye stress

please give me a rest

i've had u enough

i cant deal with u anymore

oh my dear stress

please give me some space

exam around the corner

and i want to be a scorer

sebolehnya ak tanak jadi hamba duit..yang menganggap duit itu penting...yang merasa hidup tanpa duit itu seksa..yang merasa kaku..pegun..bila akhirnya ak tabley nak buat apa. 

belum grad lagi ak da pening kepala pikir pasal duit, masalah kat rumah tak kira shah alam ke seremban...terduduk ak bila ak rasa helpless...tak leh gerak, tak boleh wat ape...nak tgu gaji masuk mgu depan seksa....tahun depan tu weyy...lambat lagi...buat bajet pun still tak cukup...ini duit ada 3 hinggit...makan masak je kat rumah...kedit tadee takpe sebab tadee org nak sms sgt...cuma duit minyak la...cukup kot...weekend ni keje...tak sempat la ak nak pikir masalah...charger laptop wat hal...nak beli yg local punya pun kena pakai duit jugak...org yg kata duit tak penting tu, meh sini ak nak sepak kepala dia laju2...

hurmm....

org yg melihat tak sama dengan org yang merasa... level stress kita lain2... tak sama...jangan nak samakan sebab we react differently towards different situation. member ak, stress pasal duit tapi haluu2 boyfriend, mintak duit...sorang lagi pun sama, konon tadee duit..halu2 parents, dapat la duit wat belanja. so, ak punya level of stress tak sama dengan korang even we may face the same problem. ak takde boypren nak mintak duit, takkan ak nak susahkan parents ak lagi pasal duit? diaorg sendiri pun tak cukup....ada yg suggest wat bisnes bagai..kalo setakat "bisnes" cari2 org, tapayah..i've been there and i know how the "bisnes" work to make money...takde istilah easy money la geng. lain la keje ko mmg cop duit je kan. u want money, u've to work for it...u want more, u've to work harder...dang...

benci betul hidup pakai currency ni...

kan best macam dolu2...ak trade in lembu duploh ekor, dapat ferrari sebijik ke...kan best, ak trade in serai tanam tepi rumah + buah rembutan sikit +pisang sikit dapat la iphone 4 ke...sape punye idea yg cipta currency ni? cakap sikit...meh ak luku kepala ekau...ko susahkan cucu cicit ko adala....

and...

exam nak dekat....lagi wa tensen. nak nyorok bawah meja..adeyy....nak grad on time la bebi...tanak extend2 ni...T___T tatooottt....

stress2 go away, 

come back another day...

stress2 u are not needed

play over there and be a gud boy

stress2 u make me look old

i dont want to reach my 30's and look bold =(

stress2 dont u get it

i hate u, please be excuse...

dapat belated bday present....
kalo org lain, da basi...
tapi for me, my bday is belated for 1 whole year from 26 nov onwards...wakaka...
so, hadiah tetap hadiah...
and mestila suka...
dapat perfume...nak ckp ak busuk eh...ahaha...
ok simpan wild thought semua...ak wangi okeih...=P
thanks...merci beaucoup...arigato ghozaimas....
next year bagi botol lagi besar eh...orite..lebiu...ahaha

i'm emotional

sape yang kenal kite, mesti tau bangat yg kite kuat sentap...garang...suka marah...ye, kite tau tu semua sifat negatif yg tak patut ada. tapi being a middle child ni, mula la kreatif cari cara nak kan perhatian...oh, ok tipuu...tabley salahkan middle child...kang ada yg kata dia middle child tapi cool je...T__T 

akceli, kite ni mmg kuat sentap. pastu simpan. sentap. simpan. simpan punye simpan, akhirnye explode. sekali meletups, mmg la nampak burok...kite ssh nak terus terang. rasa konpiden level looowww je nak cakap betul2..sekrg da pledge nak kurangkan marah, kurangkan stress.. ssh woo nak berubah after 23 thn. tapi, takkan nak jadi cenggini 23 thn lagi...tak best oh...tak cool. kite nak jd org cool...hahaha...

suke bila dr hilwani bercerita pasal how dia react towards people. dia pesan "always remember, dont talk bad things on the first meeting. always said good things, dont talk bout ppl. u can talk bout ppl with the closest friend of yours sahaja" oh, seronok gi kelas dia mcm gi motivational talk je...

2011 indeed an emotional year thru out...gelak je bila baca entry, diari since awl thn haritu....how funny i can be when i'm emotional...mengada rasa nak lempang pun ada...hwahwahwa....dengan practical training nye yg penuh suka duka supervisor tak supervise sangat...balik keje lewat, sampai rumah rushing g keje plak...balik keje da penat...tido pastu esok bangun awal pagi and the routine berterusan sampai ujung  bulan mei...rasa nak lompat2 bila countdown da abis....pastu jaga atok, how he make me laugh thru his innocent act...awal thn beli motor, bulan pose accident. my dad kena strok. then  sept masok study balik, nk adapt balik dgn buku after 10 months tak dekat dgn buku pun can be a struggled tooT___T

thru and thru, da nak abis pun 2011...tatot...tatott dgn future...tanak tanjat2 ni....hahaha..ngade...sile muntah sekarang!

azam tahun baru nak jd lebih matang, pandai kawal emosi, tak boros, pandai cari duit pandai manage...nak start kumpul duit nak buat rumah plak lepas ni...25 dec ni nak pindah...penat woo pindah...acik muda2 dulu byk la masa, tenaga nak angkat2 barang..ni tak larat...da la mmg keje kfc berat, nak lagi angkat barang slaloo...insyaallah i will stick to that wish...ekceli acik tak pandai nak tanam azam, tanam cabai reti la...so dgn malu2 ai publish my new year resolution....oh, entry dua dalam satu boleh kan..boleh blah ke tak, lantak le...tak kose ak nak nulis byk2 kali...k la..esaimen menanti..nak grad on time kan? kena la siapkan...hwaaaa~~~~~

dont give love a bad name

dont give love a bad name
as i aint ready to fall and hurt again
dont give love a bad name
as i'll be paranoid over all those little things
dont give love a bad name
u make those single ppl feel glad,
and those lovebird feel bad...
dont give love a bad name
coz as love fail, it just fail on u, because of u
dont drag other to think that love will eventually fail for them...

someone, recently, asked me bout marriage.
and half-jokingly i said, how was yours?
and being her, she just laugh her way thru it with a sigh
i wonder what kind of sigh is it. a relief or a burden?
well, pardon me mademoiselle,
ur relationship had somehow effect me of seeing things.
ur marriage in a way or another
had given marriage a bad name for me...

getting started, getting married is much for funnier, happier and romantic moment in the beginning,
but after a while, it started to shade off some of the happiness, wear off the laugh when u slowly start to discover bit by bit the other side of ur partner.

i didnt blame u, or marriage for the record
i just need to make sure i can stand up straight,
calmly handling all upcoming situation...
i just need to feel confidence of myself----above all @___@

berserah~~

Ya Allah,

sampai satu tahap, terasa kekuatan bukan lagi milik aku.

emosi selalu terganggu dengan macam2 perkara hatta sekecil kuman pun.

satu2 peristiwa mengusik jiwa.

satu2 perkara meracau fikiran.

sungguh aku lelah...

ah....selalu sangat mengeluh.

i pray for a stronger heart, u gave me more things to worry.

is this a way of achieving stronger heart??

terkadang menangis saja dapat meluluhkan sekali rasa hati..dengan bercerita sekalipun, belum tentu perasaan kacau akan pergi.

ke kiri ku onak, ke kanan ku duri. ke depan ku lautan, ke belakang ku api

pernah ak terduduk, terkesima dengan ujian yg Kau beri.

sekejap sekejap aku menangis, sekejap sekejap lagi aku cuba ketawa.

ya Allah,

tetapkanlah imanku supaya sentiasa bersamaMu.

kuatkanlah hati supaya masih mampu tegak berdiri.

permudahkan lah, permudahkanlah, permudahkanlah segala kesulitan

tetapkan hati, tunjukkan ku jalan.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

takut nak tido...
takut tido, mimpi ngeri yg datang.
takut utk terjaga, mimpi indah melambai pulang.

sungguh takut aku berbuat apa2..
terasa diri lemah tak bermaya
tiada daya,
tiada kata.
penat. lelah. semua ada.

saat ak perlukan kekuatan,
makin sedih bila tiada teman bicara.
huh! sedangkan dia yg aku harap utk melepas rasa, da tidak bertegur sapa.
tapi dia tetap wish birthday, dan terus seharian aku senyum gembira.
satu sms mampu mengubat duka.
kawan, terima kasih segalanya.

manusia datang dan pergi,
Allah saja setia menanti,
mendengar aduan, mendengar tangisan, mendengar cerita
serabut. Tuhan, aku mohon padamu sesungguhnya diKau lebih memahami isi hati ini
sakitnya seperti dipijak2 bertubi tanpa henti.....

terlalu banyak ketakutan menyelubungi diri..

ahhh.....keyboard da basah terkenang segala macam perkara.

nak bercerita, tatau mana nak mula.

akhirnya, seperti biasa, biar masa merubat rasa.

takdir Tuhan lebih cantik menyusun strategi supaya hidup lebih diberkati,
semoga hidup lebih mensyukuri T_______T

ya Tuhan, kepadaMu aku berserah.............

how can i explain??

if only i knew sooner. if only those word were not from my own mouth.if only i'm not so curious about things..

but what matter more is

be a good actress. 

smile always even if the truth hurts big time.

i hope with my "slow talk" thingy, he'll knows me better. but turn out he said i'm a negative thinker. 

           the most hurtful truth is- i've thought wrong all the way until now. i thought that we were bestfriend. BFF ever. he's the most trusted guy friend that i've ever met before. i admit it that along the way thru this past 6 years, i've met various kind of people. i've befriend with a lot of guys (dont get me wrong.definition of a lot doesnt mean 100s of them. in my case, in my life a lot means more than 10).but the most pleasant person to talk with would be this one particular guy. regardless how many weeks i've never talk to him, each time i call him, i found a comfort to pour all my problems. the bad thing is i've never cared about his.i've always thought that he's my bestfriend. i even share with him most of the things happened to me. but time has grew us apart. time has make things more awkward than before. and it's me to be blame. i'm so busy with my life here in shah alam i dont take a break and get to know him all over again. nevertheless, i always and keep reminding myself that we were bestfriend.

                 itu yang agaknya, as a BFF i thought i have the right to know everything bout him. i thought i can demand to exercise my right whenever i want it. 

and when i feel that he's been acting differently and i've been having this 6th sense things mcm perasaan bergelodak dalam hati seolah2 dia ada main sembunyi2 something, i jadi emotionally touch. rasa mcm nak gi main flying fox takpun nak bungee jumping tak hingat dunia punya jerit. i think i have the right to know. and if he consider me as his bff also, he shudnt be keeping things from me. dan paling kelakar, reason touching adalah sangat simple and merepek. huh! tapayah mention. malu.

tapi rupa2nya, time mmg da grew us apart, but time also have makes me forget, i've never been in his side all this time, why shud i claim him as my bff lagi?? da expired nok. dan sebenarnya dia tak rasa pun ak ni bff ni. dia rasa kawan biasa. kawan yg baik. that's why dia tak rasa perlu nak be 100% transparent dengan ak. and mmg tak patut pun ak buat dia mcm tu.T___T

mengada sangat saya.

da ingatkan diri jangan lebih2, tapi bila call semalam, until the 3rd statement or questions tak ingat, terus nangis. mulanya nak cite pasal tension study. nak cite tu je.sumpah tadee lain selain mencurahkan gelora hati. 

tapi tula, lidah tak bertulang lancar bercakap yg awak ni adalah one of my problem. yg membuat sy serabut.huahuaua...mmg terbaik mulut laser ko ida. 

so, bercakap dan bercakap sampai hujan dari lebat jadi rintik2, sampai bateri dari full bar jadi flat habis..sampai kredit rm9 hbs terus dalam masa 1 1/2 jam.

6 tahun lepas ida, tak sama macam sekarang. dulu kau hingusan first time berkawan dgn lelaki. sekarang lain....

most of the time dia byk gelak. gelak sebab nak kurang kan stress keadaan katonyo. tapi ak sentap nye jugak sbb ak rasa dia ni not listen enough to me. and after all the tears and the laughter, after all the times spent to makes things straight, ak da faham what happened. tapi taknak ulas lanjut sebab taknak benda jadi panjang. so, ak buat benda yg ak patut buat dari awal- berdiam diri....bila ujan benti, before we stop the conversation, dia tanya ak ok tak...

yup2, saya okkk....

sumpah...ok

saya tadee masalah pape da. saya da bgtau ape saya rasa and awak da bgtau ape kenapa awak buat mcm ni mcm tu..so, saya da ok

tapi dia tak caya..

ak tak salahkan dia..hahaha...ak ni kan susah diramal...=P

tetiba, hp off...bateri flat. flat zero habis tabley try nak restart balik.

so, dengan rintik2 hujan, ak redah balik rmh dengan ain. 

ain teringin nak makan sushi kat jj. 

layankan aje, ak pun bawak. hp tinggal rmh charging.

otw ke jj hujan lebat. tapi belum gile2 lagi. 

sampai jj, round2 beli sushi bagai, keluar balik tengok hujan still lebat....

T___T

ain suggest ktorg lepak dlu...dia pun makan sushi dekat kerusi yg berdepan dgn triumph. hahaha...makan sampai habis...

kuar ujan lagi...kepala pusing, perut lapar...

"babe, jom jela redah. ak tak kisah da...ak nak balik lapar, nak rest2"

balik, terus meluru ke dapur konon mcm tak makan 10 hari..tengah nak makan, tengok hp da fully charge. ada 2 msg.

hmmm...

msg yg sentap plak tu. 

org da ok, dia plak touching...tak best..

plak tu dia ingat ak touching that's why off hp (perangai burok =P)

pastu sampai 7 plak msg pujuk. hari ni 2 lagi. 

NO REPLY...

mak sentap nokkss...

tula kau ida, berjimba di jj tak ingat org.

semua salah kau.

from the very beginning until now

bila dia tak reply, ak bukan sentap ke ape. ak faham dia maybe touching [hmm, tula tadi gelak2 bagai ingatkan tak touching =( ] tapi, ak jadi rasa bersalah. pentingkan diri sangat sampai suka2 hati nak luahkan perasaan bagai. pastu konon nak claim my right. claim ur right la sangat, tengok ape da jadi?? member da merajok, tatau to what extent dia akan buat. 

dulu, dia merajok dengan ak setahun, ak tak pernah benti cari dia

kali ni, dia merajok ak tak kuat nak cari lagi...

sebab ak bukan bff...

tak layak rasanya. lemah longlai bila nak cari. tapi bila tgk inbox kosong tak reply satu ape pun, lagi rasa nak maki diri sendiri..

saya ok la...serius...

tapayah la merajok...

kata suka pkr positif

jgn la benti pkr positif...

ignore je ape yg sy cakap...

sy kan budak2 mengada..

dia tak ingat dia penah merajok dengan ak, dia tak ingat sebab merajok, dia tak ingat first picture dia bagi (fyi, masa tu friendster adalah makhluk asing. fb apetah lagi..mmg communication via pos malaysia..huhu), dia tak ingat present ape ak bagi, dia tak ingat ape dia pernah cakap...it's a heartbreaking sbb i remember even not every detail tapi most of it.

dpd 1 1/2 jam berdebat sana sini;

1) dia consider ak kwn biasa..sentap tapi ak faham kenapa

2) dia ada sebab tanak cite....sentap tapi ak boleh terima

3)dia lupa byk perkara...sentap tapi ak rela

4) dia cakap ak suka pkr negatif...sentap tapi mmg betul. da terlintas di hati, terpikir, hati da bergelora. cuma ak je tak pandai simpan =(

5) dia ingat dia punca segalanya...sentap dan makin sentap bila sampai la ni tak msg kata ok..tipu jela ckp ok.ak tak kan cuba korek2 lagi da whether ko ckp benar ke tak. da tak da. tak perlu. 

ak da ok, da boleh terima tapi end up dia marah. keadaan tak best da. jadi makin serba salah sebab terus terang. serba salah sbb bersikap keanak anakkan. 

tiba2 hidup rasa kosong semula...

kosong bukan macam masa dia merajok selama setahun dulu..

kosong as if dia mmg nak tinggalkan ak.

takpela, do what u're happy at. tanak kawan ckp terus terang. 

penat melayan perasaan.

patut gi kaunseling perasaan ni..adehhh...

saya da ok la...cuma jangan diam. jangan merajok..buat la ape pun awak nak as long as saya tau awak ada ok. hilang2 ni tak best. majok2 ni bukan sikap lelaki..huahuahua...

pening org kalo baca post ak. yup, i know i'm bad at explaining things...bajet org baca kan. haha..okbai =)

 

interbiu tadi- i'm hired...tapi mock sajo...

-career talk-

should i or shouldnt i pursue my education to professional level??

bagaimana ya bapak2, ibu2 sekalian....dimana dong? gwe lagi runsing....

en shameer ckp tadi, "it's not that having a degree is not good. it's sufficient if u want to pursue ur career OUTSIDE accounting field or retain working in the malaysian government. but if u want to expand ur carrier, hell man u need a professional qualification" (dialog telah di otter bagi propaganda ayat)

company's are having a tough time deciding on degree's candidate, then for sure u need to stand out with some extra2 thing....

itula, ai dalam dilema u... 

kalau keje dulu, plan gaji dapat boleh bayor utang piutang cik pt dgn bayor duit hantaran boypren ai ritu...ala,  si hensem wave110 yg ai da lanyak kat highway ritu. ai yg minang dia. tu ade lagi 3k. pastu, sambil2 tu saving sikit2 utk bayor yuran professional. CIMA (chartered institute of management accountant) dan ACCA (Association for Certified Chartered Accountants) ni bukan Malaysian based. tapi London based. tu negara prince williams sanun tu. fees for seating and exam semua dalam pound. cth kalo satu paper pound sterling 100, dlm ringgit (darab 6) ada la dalam 600.. under Uitm, kalo amik professional, exam and tuition fees utk 5 paper adala dalam 

RM9000 +/-.... kot nan ado sponsor, mau slim ai pikir mana nak bayar 9k tu?? ada ai wat nikah segera, dapat hantaran 10k terus blah...hahaha....gurau je. hal nikah ni mane boleh buat main. berdosa mengotorkan ikatan yg suci murni ni..

that was my plan...initially....keje setahun lebih, kumpul experience baru pegang penselbox jadi student balik..

di tangan yg sebelah lagi (in the other hand) terooossss straight to further study ni bagus jugak. sbb otakku fresh lagi. tengok buku belum alergik naik ruam2 gatal bagai sbb spirit study tu ada lg. kot sok da keja pulltime, takut ai da susah nak bermesra dengan buku. nak divide masa dan berlaku adil antara study dengan keje. ai risau nanti menyesal di kemudian hari sbb tak dengar nasihat en shameer. adeyy....

all and all ai rasa tinggi tanggungjawab utk tak membebankan ptptn/family. nak kumpul duit sendiri baru sambung study...hati berat ke situ. tapi jiwa tak setuju. suro jugak terus sambung belajar. kalo dapat complete dlm 1 1/2 year takpe, tapi jenis otak manja perlu dibelai berulang2 supaya faham subjek, takut terlebey masa plak. pastu, da terlopong tak keje lagi org len sibuk buat family. guess mmg ai ni mmg glass-half empty punye org. suke pkr dahsyat2. bukan ape, nak kena tgk dari mcm2 segi, segi financial, segi planning, segi college...=P

ai dlm dilemma u..

sedalamnye pikir, ai rasa mcm nak bagi lepas 2,3 adik belajar dulu baru sambung. tak best kalo jadi selfish asyik2 kita je sambung, sambung dan sambung lagi. adik2 belajar takde org tanggung. dulokala belanja murah. sara hidup murah. ptptn dpt satu semester cukup. sekarang barang sana sini mahal. beli ayam pun pikir nak kerat 14. belum beli daging, ikan, buku, meja, pakaian....besar kemungkinan ai keja dulu. atleast sikit2 dapat tolong tu, da lebih alrite la org kata. family ai besar kau, satu team bola cukup. ada goal keeper, striker bagai. so, i olls yg eheemmmm (*batok gatal anak tekak) tua ni kena beralah. ai hope for the best. semoga semua boleh sukses

planning 5 tahun lagi:

1) mesti da sambung professional -i prefer CIMA.

2) saving da boleh buat downpayment beli rmh

3) atleast keje da stabil

4) adik yg kecik umo 9 thn, my mummy plak da 56. suppose my mami takyah riso pasal nak retire. dia shud be happy lagi and da plan nak gi haji. 

5) kayo acik nak kayo...=P

some ppl Tuhan bagi dia easy way of making money. ada minat, ada opportunity ada facility. the rest, Tuhan bagi hard way of earning money. mmg rasa hard gile nak earn a few hundreds for a month living expenses. but one way or another, strong will mesti ada.  

sepayah mana yg ku rasa, ak masih bertuah- dapat belajar luar negeri, dapat makan hari2, dapat tido atas tilam, dapat mandi dapat gosok gigi. ya, tak semua orang dapat nikmat macam tu. kalau rasa susah, tak penah lapar tahan 2,3 hari..rasa susah, tak pernah kena tido bawah jembatan. rasa susah, tak pernah plak tido berbantal lengan, bertilamkan simen, beratapkan langit. 

jadi mesti kena kuat. susah2 ai, ada susah lagi.

jangan mengeluh sangat cik ida, nti Tuhan marah. 

and yg penting, jangan mudah give up. 

ok, jawapan kepada shud i or shudnt i kat atas tuh, terjawab la akhirnya...

i should pursue to professional level sebab ai nak bertahan lama dalam line accounting and nak gi jauh...tapi bukan directly lepas degree...

tgu acik stabil baru gi sambung study. persetankan mood study atau simptom alergik. sekarang pun kau malas pegang buku, drama je lebih.hah!
kalau rasa demotivated pasal org laen ada, aku tadee. tu semua kerja sheatooon... 

 suka kalo kite lemah, putus semangat.
mengucap banyak2 bila rasa down ok =) 

and penting cik ida, u jangan la belajar tinggi ke menara gading tapi masih jual ikan (selfish). 
sama2 perbaiki diri, perbaiki family...
what happen, had happened. what's next, its ur to determine.