I did it again

Just a random rambling,

More of blaming myself for----

not learning from past mistake. 

I have always been vocal,

especially to those who is so dear to me,

At times I just cant control it because I feel they need to know what I really feel inside,

but truth is, the more I talk, the more it backfire to me. 

Depending on situation, most of the time I am hard to get along with people

Of course, within time, this has improved but it doesnt change me completely to a chirpy friendly human beings.

So, when I do get along with people, I am more open to them - physically, emotionally and verbally. 

And without I realise it, my openness hurt them or cause a misunderstanding which end up affecting our relationship.

When I open up to the people around me, I expect:

1) that they will understand me better; and 

2) they will be more open to me

which, sometimes it works well but other time, I am (figuratively) killing this relationship. 

The more I tried to explain my situation, the more complicated it seem which put a gap or distance between me and the other party, and killing me inside.

It happen then and it still happen now.

Which is why I am overwhelmed with emotions right now because I feel like I didnt learn from my past. 

The last time I feel bad of being me (I was so vocal about how I feel until what they hear are not my inner feelings but just an annoying voice trying to kill them), it takes me a long time to trust myself again to be close to others.

And after I recover, I didnt realise I had slip into becoming the 'vocal' me again. 

Today, it happens again.

And I am not sure how to deal with it anymore. I dont trust myself to face it because I'm afraid it will cost our relationship. 

I believe in two-way communication. 

Which means when I talk, they listen and vice versa. 

But today, I am not sure anymore. 

Maybe more silent and less expectation is better. 

or complete silent and zero expectation?

The question now is how? How Ida? Are you going to lock yourself in a room and disconnect every communication with the outside world?