Self reflection

It is always easier to lie and say that you are okay,
rather than taking time and finding the right words to explain what do you feel;
because words, either verbal or in black and white, will be digested differently by different people. 

At times I wish that I could just rip my chest open and show them what is really in my heart. Life would be much easier except for that ugly scar on my chest (due to frequent attempt to show what's inside. lol)

but the more I think about it, 
I am guilty of misunderstanding people too
That mostly happened when I have built my judgement first, before listening to others --- 
I end up listening more to myself rather than to the other person who deserve it. Pretty selfish i know.

Have you ever think that whatever things that happen to us, happen for a reason? 
it comes as a test;
it comes as a blessing; and 
it comes as a reflection to ourselves

but often we didnt realise the last one - reflection
because, honestly speaking, reflection is the least thing that I would consider 

There is so much for me to reflect on
25 years of living, I am nowhere near being angel who is free of sin
Allah knows me well what have I done to Him, to others and even to myself
He knows how much destruction that I have done due to my stubbornness, hormone (raise your hand womaann... hormone is our number one enemy that we have to keep dealing with every month for a week or two...) and whatnot

TQ mr gugel

I cant promise a well behave Ida in the future,
knowing myself, I would slip my tongue or turn into EmoBie (Emotional zombie who would kill anyone who just urgghhh dont agree with us. haha. this EmoBie has lots to do with hormone. I just couldnt relate -_-")
but I will slowly improve myself to be a better person, a better daughter, a better friend, a better muslimah in and out. Insyaallah. 

Hence, let me mark today as the day where I hope and pray to Allah that I will be more patience, more sane (rolling eyes to myself at the thought of it. haha), more self-reflecting than before, more humble and more grateful...

Jalan Raya

Dulu masa tinggal di Shah Alam,
Hari2 berulang S.alam-KL-S.alam
sekurang-kurangnya 5 hari seminggu, 
20 hari sebulan,
aku akan lalu tempat LRT construction (sebelum tol Batu 3)
sekarang sekurang-kurang seminggu sekali aku akan lalu jalan yang sama
untuk ke Batu Tinggi, Klang.

Pemandangan hampir sama
manusia berkejar-kejar dengan masa untuk pulang atau mungkin ada yang lewat ke tempat kerja shift malam
ada juga manusia yang, aku selalu sematkan dalam fikiran, memotong kerana "kecemasan". 

Di Malaysia, emergency means not giving signal, cut que and drive like you are the only person paying toll. *Imej ihsan gugel*

ini bukan cerita memotong berhemah, 
tapi yang kategori memotong guna emergency lane
memotong tak bagi signal
memotong sesuka hati
seboleh mungkin aku akan bersangka baik
kerana itu lebih baik dari aku bersangka buruk dan terfitnah mereka yang betul2 dalam "kecemasan"

tapi aku bukan nak cerita pasal manusia yang punya kereta hebat
atau motor yang laju bikin aku makan asap
aku nak cerita pasal pemandangan yang sama, 
seorang pekerja contractor duduk menjaga trafik (read: trafik lori bawa barang construction keluar masuk)
duduknya dia dalam satu pondok tidak berdinding, hanya bertiang 4 dan beratap zink
tidak kira cuaca - hujan, panas, mendung...dia tetap setia

Imej construction ehsan gugel

kadang2 bila audit client construction company,
lebih kurang pemandangan yang sama
hujan panas bekerja

bila membeli barang dapur,
mereka2 ini yang selalu aku nampak dijalanan
perih bekerja hujan panas
mereka ini membeli barang dapur yang asas sahaja. bawang, garam, beras, kicap, telur. 

tidak bermewah-mewah
tetapi dinegara asal, mereka harapan keluarga.

aku tabik- kekuatan, kegigihan, kecekalan mereka untuk survival
bila melihat ini, 
baru ku sedar, kisah survival ku bukan la hebat mana
aku hanya hero dalam dunia sendiri
lebih ramai lagi hero yang lebih jerih, lebih hebat kisah mereka
tak terbanding rasanya

aku harap hati aku tak terus buta dan mendabik dada
tak juga mudah putus asa
kerana kesenangan aku sekarang --- ada lagi yang lebih senang
kepayahan aku sekarang --- hanya secebis ujian dunia




motivasi ada dimana-mana
pandanglah --- bukan dengan mata, tapi dengan hati yang bersyukur.

Changes

Changes are not easy
nor does it hard
it is all depends on the heart

As for me, making good changes are more challenging than you know...... doing 'bad'.
Especially when you are living in the community where changes are not an everyday thing, hence, the stigma etc.

But if changes are good for me, no one should say otherwise
Although I didn't know what the future holds, what the risk I'm taking or what is the result of my 'change' - I believe in one thing:
Whatever happen, consequences of the decision that I made today, I always have Allah to rely on.

And I hope, this heart will never forget that He is the one who permit whatever happen in my life.

I hope this heart will never forget to say Alhamdulillah.

I hope this heart will never forget that giving more is equal to receive more.

I hope this heart will never forget, how high I fly, the earth is where I belong.

I hope this heart will never feel regret, because history has proven that whatever happen to me in the past, has resulted to a wiser, smarter me- today.

I hope this heart will never forget...